H A P P Y spells.

I am not blessed to be one of those people who is just naturally happy all the time no matter what happens. As a matter of fact, I never really felt much of anything since I became a teenager because I didn't want to let anything affect the way that I feel. I still had good and bad moments but I just did my best to smile through it all. Now, however, I feel so many emotions every day that it is hard to keep track of them all.

In one week, I can officially say that I returned from my mission 4 months ago, but it feels like it has been 4 years. I write pages and pages of thoughts and feelings every single day but only every 6 to 8 days do I save any of it. I cry every day and I feel scared every day. I sometimes get angry about my situation which turns into screaming, ranting, and throwing things. Other times, I get so depressed that I don't wake up until I hear my sisters walk in the door at 3pm after a long day at school. I find myself desperately pleading with the Lord to get me through certain moments. This is no simple trial for me. It tries my patience. It makes me question my strengths and it targets my every weakness. However, I have come to know that I am one of the luckiest human beings on the planet and the Lord reminds me in my greatest moments of weakness.

Though my situation is difficult and day to day tasks don't always come easy, I have what I like to call 'happy spells'. I have moments of pure joy. It is joy unlike anything I ever felt before I served a mission. I'd like to introduce to you where those moments come from.

1. My family: The most dysfunctional, functioning unit I have ever been a part of. They are everything. They are my identity, my sense of humor, my embarrassing moments, my biggest critics, and greatest support. When I think of my 9 siblings, 3 nephews and niece on the way, and my parents, no matter what they do or say or where I stand in their lives, the knowledge that they are eternal gives me so much comfort. They are my bridge when the ground has fallen from beneath my feet and that alone puts a smile on my face. I love them more than I have ever loved anything.

2. Spencer Petersen and his family: My first love, first kiss, complicated high school sweetheart, boyfriend, and missionary. He is the smile on my face and every hope and dream I have ever had. He lifts my burdens without even needing to hear about them. He's stronger than he would ever admit and the most humble person I know. He loves me and loves the Lord. He sends me his study notes and always encourages me to get closer to my Savior. He has so much faith in me and my future and always wants what is best for me. I adore everything about him and love him dearly. His family is my silent strength. They love me and treat me like family. They teach me about life and love. They are some of the most selfless people I have ever met and I cannot even begin to express how grateful I am to know them so personally. I wouldn't trade those relationships for the world.

3. My sweet nephew, Rivers Jaren Hamel: I don't know what it is about this baby but I love him so much. I could spend every moment of my life holding this sweet little guy and be perfectly happy. I love all of my nephews but I feel a special connection to this little one and his spirit is so precious and perfect.

4. "The Infinite Atonement" by Tad R. Callister: Read this book. It has given me so much comfort and understanding. I am at my happiest when I feel close to my Savior. I absolutely love to learn about His sacrifice and love for me. I have found so much strength as I have read through the pages of this book, some chapters over and over again, and I highly recommend it to everyone. It is amazing.

My life is hard but it is great. The joy I feel because of these amazing influences I have in my life make every moment worth it. Light will always overcome darkness.