Time & Change

Most people say that time changes things. You often hear the words,"just give it time" or "time will tell". Well, I don't believe that is the case. Time cannot act. Time is just space. It is a gift given to us by the One who loves us most. It is not to be used metaphorically, figuratively, or otherwise. It is to be used wisely. That is where the change is. Change is inside us and we're lucky enough to have the TIME to seek it.

While I was serving in Australia, my companion and I taught a less active member who was a young single man no older than 25. It had to have been the third or fourth lesson I had been in with him and we were discussing his concerns about how, in his mind, the church's expectations were too high. He expressed that he didn't think he really fit the scene. He felt that he couldn't be himself around the members because they were looking down on him for being different or they were judging him for his mistakes. As the words rolled off his tongue, I felt a knot begin to grow in my throat. I understood him. I have struggled for as long as I can remember with the way people look at me. I have never really felt like I fit in. My shy personality sometimes made me seem awkward or "stuck up"or unapproachable. Throughout high school, I was better friends with my young women's leaders at church than any of the girls. I tried really hard to fit but sometimes I felt like the only thing that got me was a reputation...and not a good one. As I prepared for my mission just months before this lesson, I often prayed about his very concern but never really got a solution to this common problem. However, after he finished speaking, I had something come to mind. I said, "Ryan, I don't want to change you. In fact, I am inspired by the exact person that you are. All we seek to do is bring you to Christ. You have a unique personality. We don't expect you to be like us or do what we do or say what we say. The people in the Church are not perfect but you cannot let that push you away. None of us are perfect. We all have problems. We all make mistakes. We are all individuals. The Lord gave you your personality. It is yours to keep and cannot be changed. Agency, however, gives you the ability to change your nature. Our mission is to invite you to come unto Christ because His nature is perfect."

I think those words may have taught me more that day than they taught Ryan. They taught me a lot about time. Time is not change. Christ is change. Every single day, the world around us becomes harder to live in. Society is at an all time low and is only getting worse. Why is that? Time? No. It's the increased absence of the nature of Christ. Change is controlled by our consistently evolving nature and the influence of Christ, our perfect unchanging example. I am converted to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints because it does not change. It is founded upon the perfect teachings of Jesus Christ. That is how I know that time changes nothing. Christ is unchangeable for eternity.

I know He lives.

the list of 17

Yesterday my good friend, Cole Rempel, told me about this 'list of 17' that his brother told him about that will assist in the pursuit of a wonderful spouse and I really like it...so I want to introduce it to whatever random people stumble across this. We all have qualities that we look for when we are on this roller coaster of a search for our 'one true love' in pursuit of our own unique happily ever after. The truth is, this earth is full of incredible people with whom we are remarkably compatible. Unfortunately, we only get to meet a very small fraction of those amazing people so we have to do the very best that we can with the opportunities we have to fall in love. For me personally, it takes a lot for me to fall in love but when I fall, I fall hard. So this 'list of 17' is really good for me because it helps me to be sure that I fall in love with the best kind of man for me. Okay, I'll get on with it...

The test is simple. You list 17 of the most important qualities that you wish to find in a spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/etc. in order from the most important to the least important. Then as you pursue new relationships (or evaluate your current one) you see how well they fit your standards and expectations...on paper...simple statements...no wiggle room for justification or excuses for 'blind' love. If they have 9 or more of the qualities you list, then you could probably spend the rest of your life with them and be perfectly happy. It doesn't seem like very many but as I made my list and went back to my previous relationships, few of them even got close. We all have room for improvement so nobody will get the perfect 17 but it leaves room to learn and grow together to EXCEED each other's expectations. Now that is a beautiful thing. I hope to be able to know when I get married that my husband is capable of developing all of the qualities I look for...which leads me to MY list!

This is what I came up with.

1. Very respectful of me (women in general).
2. Excites and challenges me.
3. Makes me feel safe and secure.
4. Can read/understand me without always needing words.
5. Temple worthy/loves the Lord.
6. Accepting of my imperfections.
7. Makes me want to be better.
8. Loves me unconditionally.
9. Loves my family.
10. GREAT with kids.
11. Good sense of humor.

12. Appreciative of others.

13. Feet firm on the ground.

14. Cares about health/fitness/hygiene.

15. Loves himself.

16. Gentle/mild tempered.

17. Fits my lifestyle.

So yeah, that's me. There are many other small things that are much less important but these are my big things. Now you should try! Even if you're already married, make a list and see how well your spouse fits! Don't do anything crazy if they fail...haha but look for ways to improve your marriage and see those qualities in your spouse because I believe that any two people who truly love each other and love the Lord can have remarkable happiness throughout their lives together. I'm only 20 years old and I am not too experienced in the 'real life' department but I know what I want, as unrealistic as it may seem sometimes, and I will get as close as I can to receiving all that I want.

I believe that everyone deserves the very best of everything so if you find that you aren't satisfied with something in your life, talk to God about it and maybe make a list. We are capable of much more than we can even comprehend. I love this life that I have been given no matter how hard it may be sometimes and I have promised myself that I will do the best that I can with it. Please do the same. You deserve it.

There's my two cents.

 Here's a lovely party picture of me on my 20th birthday a couple days ago with my super cute niece. :)

tummy issues

I've gotten a lot of questions about what is going on with me now that I have almost been home for 6 months on medical leave from my mission and it is a really difficult question to answer. I'm complicated, for lack of a better word, but after many ups and downs, I have part of my answer...What is going on with me physically?

Almost two weeks ago I found out that my gallbladder is only functioning 2%. For those of you who have never had gallbladder problems, having it only performing 2% of it's natural function is not pleasant. They say that anything under 35% can be exceptionally painful. So yes, 2% hasn't treated me particularly well. For the past 4 years I've had weird health problems. Nothing too freaky...and as a matter of fact, I never thought anything of it because it would last a day or two and I would be fine and it would be months before it happened again. The first time I noticed anything weird was about my junior year of high school. I felt sick a lot. I would get really bad stomach aches that would make me nauseous to the point of passing out. I even fell down the stairs once! Scary...but I still didn't do anything about it. I just assumed it was stress because I have a very close relationship with anxiety. Fast forward. Pre-mission. I had my call so I was anxious, excited, nervous, scared, very happy, and....I had migraines and stomach aches and random vomiting fits. Stress? Must be. Fast forward again. Mission. HIGH stress levels. Nausea always. Stress is normal on a mission but I can't contain it at all. I feel constant sickness. Fast forward. Post-mission. December, I went to the gym and my stomach was killing me. I could hardly stand up straight and I got super dizzy, with chills and all, on the verge of passing out. I get home. Vomiting fit. Awesome. Stress? Well, I've got a lot going on trying to feel physically, mentally, and emotionally healthy again so that has to be it. Fast forward one more time. 6 weeks ago. Vomiting in the middle of the night. Thought I ate something bad. Two days later, it happens again...and two days later, again. Then three days in a row. I can't eat without getting sick. Stress? I just started a new job and I was WAY out of my comfort zone. That could be it...but I need a doctor's note to go back to work. So I went to urgent care for the note and they took some blood tests, nothing. They referred me to a GI doctor. More blood tests, nothing. BUT I got medicine to help in the meantime and it works wonders. YES!! 12 days later, ultrasound and Hepatobiliary Iminodiacetic Acid (HIDA) scan. Ultrasound? All clear. Nothing. HIDA scan? Hallelujah!! Very low gallbladder function! Scheduled for surgery on April 2nd!

So yes, my tummy hurts. Luckily, I should make a speedy recovery, I'll be able to work, and could potentially return to the mission field around June. Nothing is set in stone yet but I am trying my best to be patient and prayerful in all that I do. I am so grateful to finally know what the problem is and that it is nothing major. Life is good! I am loving living here in Oklahoma with my sister and her sweet family but I miss my Arizona friends and family all the time! I am excited about the future and things are really starting to look up! The Church is true and HE LIVES!!

'Til next time!

Niece selfie.

H A P P Y spells.

I am not blessed to be one of those people who is just naturally happy all the time no matter what happens. As a matter of fact, I never really felt much of anything since I became a teenager because I didn't want to let anything affect the way that I feel. I still had good and bad moments but I just did my best to smile through it all. Now, however, I feel so many emotions every day that it is hard to keep track of them all.

In one week, I can officially say that I returned from my mission 4 months ago, but it feels like it has been 4 years. I write pages and pages of thoughts and feelings every single day but only every 6 to 8 days do I save any of it. I cry every day and I feel scared every day. I sometimes get angry about my situation which turns into screaming, ranting, and throwing things. Other times, I get so depressed that I don't wake up until I hear my sisters walk in the door at 3pm after a long day at school. I find myself desperately pleading with the Lord to get me through certain moments. This is no simple trial for me. It tries my patience. It makes me question my strengths and it targets my every weakness. However, I have come to know that I am one of the luckiest human beings on the planet and the Lord reminds me in my greatest moments of weakness.

Though my situation is difficult and day to day tasks don't always come easy, I have what I like to call 'happy spells'. I have moments of pure joy. It is joy unlike anything I ever felt before I served a mission. I'd like to introduce to you where those moments come from.

1. My family: The most dysfunctional, functioning unit I have ever been a part of. They are everything. They are my identity, my sense of humor, my embarrassing moments, my biggest critics, and greatest support. When I think of my 9 siblings, 3 nephews and niece on the way, and my parents, no matter what they do or say or where I stand in their lives, the knowledge that they are eternal gives me so much comfort. They are my bridge when the ground has fallen from beneath my feet and that alone puts a smile on my face. I love them more than I have ever loved anything.

2. Spencer Petersen and his family: My first love, first kiss, complicated high school sweetheart, boyfriend, and missionary. He is the smile on my face and every hope and dream I have ever had. He lifts my burdens without even needing to hear about them. He's stronger than he would ever admit and the most humble person I know. He loves me and loves the Lord. He sends me his study notes and always encourages me to get closer to my Savior. He has so much faith in me and my future and always wants what is best for me. I adore everything about him and love him dearly. His family is my silent strength. They love me and treat me like family. They teach me about life and love. They are some of the most selfless people I have ever met and I cannot even begin to express how grateful I am to know them so personally. I wouldn't trade those relationships for the world.

3. My sweet nephew, Rivers Jaren Hamel: I don't know what it is about this baby but I love him so much. I could spend every moment of my life holding this sweet little guy and be perfectly happy. I love all of my nephews but I feel a special connection to this little one and his spirit is so precious and perfect.

4. "The Infinite Atonement" by Tad R. Callister: Read this book. It has given me so much comfort and understanding. I am at my happiest when I feel close to my Savior. I absolutely love to learn about His sacrifice and love for me. I have found so much strength as I have read through the pages of this book, some chapters over and over again, and I highly recommend it to everyone. It is amazing.

My life is hard but it is great. The joy I feel because of these amazing influences I have in my life make every moment worth it. Light will always overcome darkness.